


Our Little Secret

by Rens_Knight



Series: Another Set of Eyes: A Star Wars Alternate Universe [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Literature, Sci-Fi, fan fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-10-23 03:37:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10711377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rens_Knight/pseuds/Rens_Knight
Summary: One of the great tragedies of childhood is that very often the adults around us never realize just how much their children really understand...or can even explain.  How much more so for a child burdened with great and terrible gifts of the mind on a scale unseen...and in a galaxy where almost all knowledge of such phenomena has been lost.  How do you raise a powerfully telepathic child when you don't have the experience to relate to him or explain it...or you don'twantto have the experience?Knowledge, as they say...is power.





	Our Little Secret

**"Our Little Secret"**

**Six years after the Battle of Endor**

Mom always said that Dad could listen to the _Falcon_ and understand exactly how it was broken, and he always knew just what to do to make it right.

Dad _did_ seem to hear a lot of things other people didn't...like what Uncle Chewy was saying.  Most humans couldn't make out a single word, but Dad heard every tiny little thing, and no matter how he tried to explain it to other people, they couldn't do it.  Heck, _Ben_ couldn't either.  Not like Dad did, anyway...he had to do something else to figure it out.  C-3PO said it was because something about his hearing worked differently from most people.  Not stronger--just a lot better tuned.  Not like a protocol droid, but really good.

But Dad couldn't listen to him and hear how _he_ was broken.  Not the way _Ben_ could listen, the way that didn't require his ears.  The way he thought Mom could...except every time she started to listen back, something reacted in her heart and she got scared and she stopped really fast.  Sometimes he almost thought he _heard_ something.  A hiss, almost, except that wasn't really it.

And Dad...it scared _him_ too, probably even worse.  He couldn't feel it when Ben was listening like Mom could, but when he asked his dad about some of it later, Dad had gotten really mad.  More like really scared, but it turned into really mad right before it got outside of him.  He'd yelled at Ben and warned him to _never_ do that again.  

Then Dad had gone and had a big, long argument in the master bedroom with Mom.  Something about training, and Uncle Luke.  Mom didn't want to do it.  

And when she said no, Dad suggested _she_ go find out whatever secrets Uncle Luke had to share.  Ben got the idea Dad liked _that_ idea better.  A _lot_ better, actually.  It hadn't crossed Ben's mind that grown-ups might still need to go to school, but he guessed it made sense.  Dad did always like to say it was a really, _really_ big galaxy, and Ben figured it was hard to cram all of that into twelve years of studying.  Sixteen, even, if you went to a university.  He'd miss Mom, but he smiled at the idea anyway.  Mom always did come home really tired from doing Senate stuff, and he knew just what Dad would suggest for that: forget the Senate, go have an adventure!  Yeah...that probably _would_ be nice.  And if she came back knowing a lot of new stuff, stuff that maybe she could teach him, all the better.  It warmed Ben's heart to think that grown-ups could still play and have adventures, and who knew, maybe _he_ would too, when he grew up...

But that smile got wiped off of Ben's face fast.  Mom didn't like Dad's idea at all.  In fact, it upset her even _more_.  She loved Uncle Luke, she said, but she didn't want anything to do with whatever it was he had to teach.  Then something got really dark, but not in his room where he sat by himself with his eyes closed.  He gasped, eyes flying open.  He stuck his fingers in his ears.  He didn't want to hear the argument through the walls anymore.  But that didn't really help, because then his heart started doing all the listening for him and even though he didn't always hear words, he could _feel_ a lot of stuff when it got like this.

He probably wasn't supposed to hear-or-feel any of that, any more than he was supposed to have heard the stuff that made them start arguing in the first place.  It made him feel awful, hearing Mom and Dad that upset with each other...because of _him_.  He didn't even _mean_ to hear things sometimes.  Ben just _did_.

And instead of making him feel warmer, safer, and closer to Mom and Dad, it made him feel so, so lonely.  And _broken_ , like something was really wrong with him.  Broken like a holocomm that couldn't tune to just one thing, but pulled in lots of channels at once.  

He felt like crying.  He just wanted to feel like when he reached for them with his heart, that they reached back.  It wasn't fair that Daddy was born without a way to feel it.  And he really wished Mom didn't get scared when she _did_...that _hurt_.

But that wasn't the worst of it.  If they found out that sometimes he _saw_ stuff instead of just hearing it--dreams, visions, things from far away that he couldn't explain, he had a feeling telling them about _that_ would be even worse.  Some of the things he saw were interesting--but a lot of them were scary.  _Really_ scary.

The door to Ben's room chimed before he could think too much more about that.  

It didn't ring just once, but _several_ times like someone tapping out a little tune.  Ben wiped his tears away with his sleeve, smiling in spite of all the painful thoughts: that had to be Dad.  And whatever Dad couldn't hear with his mind and heart, he sure saw with his eyes and heard with his ears how much Ben liked when he did that.

Dad stuck his head in.  "I'm sorry I yelled at you, kid."

He didn't just look sorry to Ben.  He _felt_ really sorry, too.  Ben reached out for a hug.  He wished Dad could really hear, really feel how much it meant to him.  But Dad _did_ give really good hugs, at least, the kind that turned into tickling and laughing and ruffling Ben's black hair.  Hugs warm enough and strong enough that he could almost imagine Dad really _did_ hear him, and that it wouldn't scare him if he could.

But Ben _had_ scared Dad, and he had to pick up his mess somehow.  " _I'm_ sorry I scared you.  I didn't mean to."

Pressed up against Dad's chest, Ben felt his dad's breath catch at that, like saying something true and not true at the same time.  "I know, Ben.  I know you didn't.  We'll figure out how to work things out.  For now, just...try to think of people's heads like rooms with doors on them.  Just like if a room is locked, don't go in."

"What if there _isn't_ a lock?" Ben asked.  "Or stuff just comes out?"  That was the problem.  It didn't really feel like a locked room to him most of the time, now that he was a _big_ boy.

Dad drew away from him and Ben shivered.  But Dad still held one of Ben's arms in each of his big hands.  There was still warmth there, mixed in with the cold.  Ben tried to focus on that warmth.  "Then you have to remember that people don't _want_ that stuff to come out.  And treat it the way they _want_ you to treat it, which is private.  That means you have to kind of...ignore it when you hear it.  Try to delete it from your mind like it didn't happen."

 _But...sometimes I_ do _want you to know, to hear with your heart_ , he wanted so much to say.  And in a way, he _was_ saying it.It was flowing right out of his heart. _Just like you hear everything Uncle Chewy says, with just your ears.  I wouldn't_ want _you to delete that._

Except the way Mom and Dad acted and _felt_...he got the idea that was a _bad_ thought.  So he didn't say it out loud where Dad could hear.  All he said was, in a soft, tiny voice, "I'll try, Daddy."

And _that_ promise earned him the chance to be hugged again.  Dad pulled him close, and Ben basked in the warmth of his body...and yes, his heart too.

He tried not to think about it when Dad left his room, and he felt a weight of sadness as the door shut.  And a bit of anger too, except this time it kind of seemed like Dad might be upset not at him, or even at Mom after that argument...but at _himself_.

Ben frowned again.  He'd felt so good for a moment.  But now that was gone again.  He looked at his toy starships and for a second he had this weird idea that if he looked at them right, he might be able to make them fly.  He quickly lost focus on that idea, though.  There was too much other stuff in his mind, demanding that he think about it.  Dad getting upset with him...the argument between Mom and Dad _about him_...nightmares and the things that just popped into his head once in a while...

Ben didn't like any of those choices.  But at least the weird nightmares...he didn't think they were real.  Mom said they weren't, and he figured she'd probably know, since she seemed to understand a little more about some of the things Dad didn't.

But...he didn't _think_...

Mom didn't want to learn whatever Uncle Luke had to teach.  Maybe Dad would talk her into it eventually, but for some reason, Ben found himself doubting it would work.

What if Mom was wrong?  What if some of it--or even all of it-- _was_ real somehow?

The last nightmare had been of a terrifying woman in white, in a place where everything-- _everything_ was too bright and it was hard to look at, even with something over his eyes to help.  All that white made her look kind of like a princess, like the holos of Mom from when she was on Alderaan (put that away, Ben, you're too little to hear about Alderaan), but she was angry--she was...what was that word Mom used after she had a bad day in the Senate... _furious_.  And that woman in white, she was snarling, she was was coming for Ben, to _hurt_ him.

That woman _hated_ him.  Maybe even wanted to _kill_ him.  Who was she?  _Why?_

Then the nightmare--the vision--had shifted to show him a woman in black, wrapped in shadows.  She wore a charcoal-grey cloak with the hood pulled up, and her face was hidden from Ben.  Which was odd, but she _wasn't_ painful to look at, just interesting.  The two halves of the dream...the two figures seemed to be about the same height...ah, yes.  That meant they must be the same woman, except something had changed.  She wasn't frightening anymore...she had stopped wanting to kill him.

Which didn't make sense, because black was for bad guys.  That's what Dad always said when they watched holostories together.  How could that _help_ instead of making the woman more dangerous than she already was?

 _There are many things people_ tell _you_ _are true.  But sometimes--_

Ben jumped.  There had been a voice--a loud one, that rumbled like the sound through the _Falcon_ when it docked with a much bigger ship so strong that even Mom and Ben knew exactly what it was the instant they heard it.  And not just Dad--wait.  For a second he wondered.  It couldn't be--could it?  " _Dad?_ " he whispered.  Hope lit like a candle in his heart.  Had something changed?

_No.  You know your father cannot hear this._

__The candle puffed out.  Ben threw his entire little body into one long, sad sigh.

_Are you really so lonely, child?_

Ben nodded.  Then he tried something that he had...just a few minutes ago.  _Yeah_ , he answered with his heart.  _I'm lonely._

 _I know_ , the voice thundered.  And Ben felt like he _did_ actually know.  _Listen carefully--I can only be here for a few minutes, once in a while.  But remember this: when you're lonely, or when it hurts, I am still on your side.  You can have faith in me: I will show you the way.  But only if you keep this quiet and never tell anyone._

 _No one?_   Ben's brow furrowed.  That would be hard.  Even harder than everything he and Dad had talked about a few minutes earlier.  _Not even Mom?_   For a second, Ben's face brightened.  _I know!  Maybe you can talk to Mom...maybe she'll listen to Dad then, and she'll go learn that stuff from Uncle Luke so she can do the same things I can--_

_NEVER._

A tiny whimper escaped from Ben.  A nightmare, maybe it was another nightmare.  A tear rolled down Ben's cheek.  Probably because he was still upset from the argument and everything else.  No, that wasn't it.  The voice yelled at him--it was worse than Dad's yelling by a lot, because it was with the heart.

But the voice repeated itself, softer this time to where it didn't hurt his head.  Maybe it was sorry, just like Dad.  _Never, child.  If you tell them, then this won't work.  Think of it as...too many people sending holocomm signals at the same time._ Yes.  Ben understood that.  _If you tell them, there will be too much interference and this won't work.  You want to learn, don't you, child?_

Ben paused for a second before he answered.  He wasn't sure about this.  But the voice didn't sound so scary now.  Then something else occurred to him: this person didn't know his name.  A shadowy smile passed across his face.  _My name is Ben.  Will you help me fight the nightmares?_

The voice didn't answer any of that.  All it said was, _I'm almost out of time.  Just remember--_ I _understand you, child.  I will help you grow, make you strong and wise.  This will be our little secret.  Can you do that?_

Ben sniffled.  His...friend?...was strong and powerful.  He had to be, to do what he was doing.  But Ben had to be strong too and watch out when his friend wasn't there.  And he had to keep quiet, or else he'd have no one.  Not _really_ anyone.  Not anyone who could or _would_ do what this mysterious figure had proven he could.  Mysterious.  He hada _mystery_ \--his very own, all to himself.  Part of him liked that.  So he answered: _I can._

Our little secret.  He could do that.  He _would_ do that.

But that didn't stop his stomach from twisting up into a terrible knot after the voice was gone.  


**Author's Note:**

> (I almost blew chow having to write the end of this. )
> 
> Soundtrack: Radiohead--["Climbing Up the Walls"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_v2rehPAf5Y)


End file.
